Player Profile:

Name: Joe Scarcella

Father: Joe Scarcella

Mother: Jo Scarcella

Sister: Jo(anna) Scarcella

Role at Lane Cove: Club Captain, First Grade opening bowler, Would-be batsman

Favourite movie: The Hunt For Red October or Grumpy Old Men

Favourite TV show: Orange is the New Black, or anything that lasts less than 15 seconds

Favourite actor: Nicole Kidman

Favourite tourist attraction: The Leaning Tower of Pisa

Sex: Preferably with redheads and nothing over 70kg

Favourite redhead: Coxy

Favourite dish: Smoked salmon

Interview

Ricko: Thanks for joining me here at Bungas for another episode of Closet Covies Joe.

Joe: No worries, mate, would be here anyway. Not many places better for a circuit.

Ricko: First of all, I just want to make sure I have the right Joe Scarcella. There seems to be two Joe Scarcella’s in MyCricket, both with a batting average in single figures – what’s all that about?

Joe: Yeah it’s an absolute stitch up having the same name as your old man. Especially when he is better than me in pretty much every way – he’s a good sort, a much better bloke, a high-flying lawyer, and he gets to travel the world playing cricket which is pretty much my dream. Nightmare. Although I do have to thank him for giving me the million dollar smile and great ass which as you know are my best features.

Ricko: Speaking of red heads, is there a back-story behind your love of all things orange and red?

Joe: Yeah well it wasn’t always the case. I mean, Belinda Carlisle was pretty cute back in the 90s but I was more your typical blonde hair blue eyes kind of guy, you know, kind of like Naughto. But when I was in primary school I met my BFF and soulmate for life, Coxy. I was standing behind him in the tuckshop waiting to order eggs benedict and I saw this beautiful, long, wavy, red hair glistening in the sun and I was hooked from then on.

Ricko: Speaking of Coxy, don’t you think it’s a bit weird to have matching tattoos in your groin region with your best mate?

Joe: To the uneducated, yeah that might seem strange. But Coxy and I are from an elite private school in Sydney where that sort of stuff is the norm. Blokes like Doddsy and Jenko just don’t get it. Yes it’s weird that I’m very attracted to my best mate’s hair, but when you are a private school boy in Sydney everything is a bit more fluid and gender is more a state of mind than anything else.

Ricko: ….. Ummm okay…. It seems there is a bit of a divide in first grade between the hard-working, toiling country boys and the city snobs. How do you guys make it all work?

Joe: It’s actually quite difficult sometimes. I’m so well educated that I need to tone down the long, complex words that I use just so the boys can understand what I’m saying. Jenko and Dodds wouldn’t last a day in court. Have I told you I’m changing the legal landscape of streaking?

Ricko: Yes Joey you ha-

Joe: Sorry mate, just seen a cute red head. You right here?

Ricko: Well we’re in th-

Joe: Yeah cool cheers.

*15 minutes later*

Joe: Hey Slick, your round right?

Ricko: Where’d that girl go?

Joe: Ahh she had to go. Said she had an early start in the morning. Girls am I right?? *Laughs*

Ricko: Isn’t that her over there hooking up with that other bloke?

Joe: Nah different girl. Anyway, did you have some more questions for me?

Ricko: Yeah actually I did. By the sounds of things, you’ve been overtaken by Slug as the strike bowler in 1s, you bat 11 and now you have Tommy Bristow breathing down your neck. Are you worried about losing your spot?

Joe: Not at all. For starters, I have never dropped a catch in first grade. As for my bowling, the numbers speak for themselves. I’m sure I don’t have to remind everyone that I was in the Shires Team of the Year a couple of seasons back. And my batting has looked pretty solid all season. Yes I’ve had a few failures, but it’s amazing how many times you can be unlucky with the bat. Sometimes you just get a jaffa, you know, and no matter how good the shot you play is, you get unlucky. And besides that, I am an aggressive batsman, just like Naughto. You can’t get angry at us for playing our natural game.

Ricko: …… Really Joe?

Joe: Yeah I’m serious, and aren’t you on whites anyway Slicko? I hit a six over cover three years ago and ever since that day I try and hit the same shot every two balls I face. It seems to work for Naughto, so why not for me?

Ricko: I’m not sure how you are physically capable of playing cricket anymore, given your agility seems to be deteriorating by the day. I mean, we’re doing an interview and for some reason you don’t seem to be able to sit down. What’s going on there?

Joe: Yeah, my flexibility is terrible. Not many people know this but I can’t actually sit or lie down anymore. I have to stand 24 hours a day, and it’s really taking it’s toll. I have a machine at home that Joe Snr helps me into at night which is supposed to allow me to mechanically move into a position where I can be horizontal, but the metal is really uncomfortable so I have reverted back to sleep standing.

Ricko: Sleep standing? Like… actually falling asleep standing up?

Joe: Well yeah, I have no choice really. I have a disease called Inflexi-scarcella-fibrosis which is an extremely rare condition which straightens all your bones from birth into a locked position. The boys laugh it up on the field… “Leaning tower of Pisa”, “Can’t touch your knees”… I cop it a lot but no one realises the pain and anguish I go through. I have to see a specialist three times a week just to be able to live a relatively normal life. I’m starting to show signs of improvement though which is good. The other day I was able to get into a disabled taxi without the use of the rear wheelchair access which was a huge milestone. I normally have to order maxi taxis just to get in the door. It’s embarrassing but also rough on the hip pocket as I have to pay the 1.5x surcharge which I’m furious about.

Ricko: Jeez mate that sounds awful. Is th-

Joe: Speaking of, the maxi I ordered is here.

Ricko: Where are you going?

Joe: Mate look at the time, where else is there to go you goose? Coming? Taxi is on me, everything else you’ve gotta pay you’re own way though.

Ricko: Well I’ve got some more questions I’m meant to ask you so I guess so. I need to go home soon though.

Joe: Don’t be soft. *laughs* Get it? Soft! Bloody hell I’m funny. Make sure you write that I’m funny.

*Joe to driver* Hay street thanks mate.

Ricko: Yeah alright. So moving on, what’s with all the no-balls?

Joe: To be honest I’m sick and tired of the no-ball chat. I went through the records last season and it turns out I only bowled 381 no-balls. I mean seriously, what’s wrong with that?

Ricko: What about Preecey’s boot camps? Surely they have helped?

Joe: That’s another story altogether. Yes he has helped a lot with my fitness but Preecey has just mentally demoralised me. Last week, I turned up wearing odd socks because getting dressed in the dark at 4am is tough sometimes, and instead of giving me some encouragement for the 200 burpees we were about to do, he got me to strip down naked in front of the whole group and poured a bucket of urine over me. I knew it was boot camp but I didn’t realise it was Guantanamo Bay.

Ricko: I thought Preecey loved you?

Joe: Yeah exactly, I was his favourite Covie. He used to call me the Michael Jordan of Lane Cove. Now he calls me Scotty Muller. We did a swim session the other day and he called me Eric the Eel.

Ricko: Well let’s talk about a Covie who does love you. Alec Cornelius. You two have developed quite the bond in the changing rooms. Talk me through it.

Joe: You really get to know someone in the changing room and there’s nothing wrong with sharing a couch together. Few additional stains in recent weeks but that’s a whole other story. Really all he is missing is the red hair but I’m hoping this will come soon.

Ricko: Righto I’ll have to take your word for it. So the 1st grade boys are sitting at the top of th-

Joe: We’re here!! 

*Joe leaps out of the taxi and through the door*

Ricko: Mate, I’ve never seen you move so quick.

Joe: Shh.

*Turns to woman at the desk*

Joe: One massage please. I’ll pay in cash. You in Slicko?

Ricko: No mate, that’s uncouth.

Joe: Oh well, you’re loss.

Ricko: I guess I’ll see you at training on Wednesday?

Joe: Haha good one mate. I’ll be at Ryan’s Bar with the other corporate wankers in suits.