Closet Coves - Alexander Dodds

 Full Name: Alexander Dodds
 Age: 21
 Nickname: Dodds
 Sex: Brown
 Hair: Brown
 Eyes: Brown
 Height: Tallish
 Fraudulent: Certainly
 Current Role(s): 2nd grader, Frank Gray team, soon to be former committee member.
 Joined the Club: 2002/2003 I think.
 Previous Club(s): No idea, but they're surely pleased to be rid of him.
 Accolades: Can't seem to find anything. You'd think someone who talks such a big game would have some trophies in the cabinet, but I don't think we need to call Mythbusters in for this one...
 Prior to 05/06: 480 runs at 14.5, 72 wickets at 18.3, 6 catches.
 2005/06: Results Vault



In our first interview, Closet Coves spoke to the indefatigable Damian (N-word). Now - at the other end of the spectrum - we mince words with wiley shirker, delegator and pest, Alexander Dodds. Welcome Alexander, and thank you for joining us here in the closet.

Words you'll rue when you find out what I had for dinner.

The fetid stench of arse. It's coming.


Moving right along. As we were saying, you and Damian, opposite ends of the spectrum. Do you think that's a fair comment?
Certainly, a lot of people would agree with that statement. I'm young, attractive, intelligent and talented - I've got my best years ahead of me. My bowling has been superb and every captain I've had this season has relied on me to do the job for him and I've delivered on every occasion. I fancy myself against any batsmen in Shires cricket; any team, any grade... except perhaps myself. I've been in such good form with the willow this season I'd probably struggle to dismiss myself. I was averaging 61.5 in 2nd grade at one point in time. It really does have interesting philosophical implications; a real life scenario where the irresistable force meets the immovable object. I'll have to ponder whether my considerable cunning and guile with the pill can outsmart my dashing strokeplay.


Indeed. Judging by your previous comments, you don't think too much of Damian. 
I can't speak highly enough about my own performances, I'll certainly be hard pressed to find room for improvement. Battler on the other hand, has been nothing short of woeful. His batting is lazy, his captaincy is thoughtless and his fielding has been a blight on the game of cricket for some time now. Judging by his facial expressions, you'd think he was trying to catch a speeding truckload of orphans' entrails instead of a cricket pill. I've always thought that there would come a time when Dodds would have to take centre stage and fight the good fight, but I was planning on having a few weeks off first.


Interesting comments. So you covet the First Grade captaincy?
Not especially, no. I have my eyes on bigger prizes. My election to the committee has been long overdue and has proved to be a catalyst, bringing success both on and off the field. One small but admittedly crucial and effective change and the club is competing for honours on all fronts. Do I push forward? Very good question Dodds. I look at John Lloyd and think "He's done so much for this club, it would be an ignominious day in club history for him to be forced out with his tail between his legs". Then I think "No, this isn't a petting zoo - can the club afford not to have me as president?". It's a compelling argument.


Changing tack now. Two big Sundays are ahead of you: the Shires XI v Churches XI meet and also Ladies Day on the first Frank Gray final. What's in store for Alex Dodds?
I foresee good times. Jesus won't save the Mormans ... or the ladies.


Well Fabio, what do you look for in a woman?
A good and willing digestive tract. Everything else is a distant second.


Ick. Who is your favourite Cove?
I'm not choosey or cliquey like some. Anyone with a phone contactable during business hours will be my favourite Cove for ten minutes. I do like calling Paul Backhouse though, and I'm not ashamed to say the feeling is mutual. Its about respect; I have his, he's earning mine. Progress has been understandably slow.


Any tips you'd like to pass on to prospective young Coves?
Miramar in the 5th at Moonee Valley. Worth a pineapple.


Great. We've been deeply honoured to have you in the Closet with us.
Yes, you have.


This episode of Closet Coves was brought to you by James Hinton and Paul Langtry.